A crazy day at the cicus

A crazy day at the circus

Introduction:

At the circus it has been fun and a major roller coaster for everybody. But it has been a crazy day at the circus. At first it was awesome and then awesome turned into a big Ferris wheel rolling off a boat into the deep ocean sinking.

Paragraph 1 :

Firstly, There was a man who was riding a unicycle on the tightrope.

 “ Oh no my tyre is broken” the man said. The man has fallen off onto the hard ground and broken his legs. A lady sprinted through the curtains and rings the Ambulance and they rush to the rescue. 2 hours later they still had not reached the circus. The lady had spotted a first aid kit and rushed to it and looked inside. There was only a bandage and medicine. So they realised that his bone popped. They hear sirens. They were relieved but they went outside. It was cops rushing to a crime they were so mad and frustrated she thought of something and did it quickly so the man would not pass out in front of everyone.

Secondly , They look in her purse and see $5 dollars and look at a nearby shop and run. She sighs and walks off because the shop was closed and not enough money. “ What’s the point of walking here if it's closed and I don't have not enough money?” said the lady.  She walks back and looks at every cry.  She wondered why everyone is in tears around in a circle. She looks as if the man has passed out but he is still breathing as soon as the ambulance arrived. They take him to hospital

 “ don’t worry everybody we will see the results” The ambulance helpers said. 

Thirdly,the ambulance takes him to the hospital and checks him up and sees that his leg has snapped. They give him a treatment and he starts to wake up. Also he was banned from riding the unicycle for 2 month because he wouldn’t break another leg. The lady was so kind that she got a prize for everything she has done to save the man.

As soon as they got back to the circus we saw something smoking at the back of the circus tent. They sprint around and see the rope tied to the tightrope has caught on fire by someone's cigarette and the gas we grabbed all the hoses and sprayed the tent so they all went home with a  big sad face.

Lastly everyone is exhausted and sad from what happend and went for a big sleep and woke up feeling great at the end.

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 Things you did well

• Used paragraphs
•  Ideas are in order and make sense
• Fixed the problem 
• Followed narrative structure - orientation, problem, solution

Feedback from my teacher

• Give your characters names and more detail. All we know about the tightrope guy is that he fell…
• Sometimes your tenses don’t make sense. If your story has already happened (it happened in the past), your words should be they sprinted, they saw, everybody was exhausted etc. 
• Use more punctuation to break up your sentences - for example this sentence - “ It was cops rushing to a crime they were so mad and frustrated she thought of something and did it quickly so the man would not pass out in front of everyone.” could be like this. 

 It was cops rushing to a crime! They were so mad and frustrated. She thought of something and did it quickly (so the man would not pass out in front of everyone).

• Use different words to start your sentences - in the third paragraph there are 3 sentences in a row that start with ‘she’. 
• Ambulance workers - paramedics.

• Your sentences are quite long. Break them up with some short sentences every so often.